The Final Chapter

It was two years ago this weekend that this final chapter in mom’s life began.

When Mom was first diagnosed, she made me promise that she wouldn’t die in a hospital. She had terrible memories of her mom dying, and it had turned into a kind of phobia with her. It was easy to make the promise; Mom actually dying was a long way off. I mean, we could cross that bridge when we came to it, right?

Sometimes the planets align, and things seem to work out the way they were meant to be. Mom was already living at my sister’s when her health really started to decline. We had a great general practitioner treating her, and Palliative Homecare was helping Mom manage at home. We could not have managed without them.

Looking back, I can see now that Mom had been on a fairly steady decline for quite a while. But at the time, I just thought that we were facing new battles. I guess that is what Homecare is about. We focussed on keeping her comfortable. When she had trouble walking, we got her a walker. When she just couldn’t walk anymore, we got her a wheelchair, then ultimately, a hospital bed (Mom was so excited when we got the bed!) But, somehow, I still didn’t realize that she was dying. Maybe because she never complained...

Things happened pretty quickly after we got her the hospital bed. She was having trouble eating, and got really weak.

Her final days were spent surrounded by her seven kids. She laughed and joked with us, and we all took strength from each other. I believe that we did right by Mom, and I am so thankful that I could honour her request. It turned out to be an amazing gift, not just for me, but for my brothers and sisters, too.

We are closer because of what she shared, and because we saw each other in a way we’d never imagined. My sisters-in-law became so much more than my brothers’ wives; they became my mother’s daughters, and I will never forget the love and kindness they showed Mom.

Mom’s dying was the scariest, most intense experience I have ever faced. But it was also the most spiritual and beautiful. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

This is so hard to write

Mom passed away in the early hours of Friday, August 21st, at home, with loved ones by her side.

I will take comfort in knowing that we did well by her.

Fern Alberta Peterson was granted her angel wings on August 21, 2009. Her final days were spent surrounded by family and friends that Fern had touched throughout her life. Special thanks to her sister, Thelma, for her wisdom and guidance.

Fern’s life would seem too short to many, but those who were touched by her understood that the quality of existence far exceeds the quantity of time in which one lives. Her beautiful smile and quick wit brought so much joy to our family.

Fern was predeceased by her father, Lawrence Albert, her mother, Dorothy Anne, her brother, Milton, and her sisters, May and Shirley. She is survived by her sister, Thelma, and her brother, Lloyd.

Left to carry on Fern’s loving legacy are her husband, Les, her seven children: Cherrie, Andy (Sharmon), Larry, Dan (Pearl), Rhonda (George), Donna (Barry) and James (Jocelyn). She will be lovingly remembered by so many grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and nieces & nephews.

Fern will be forever loved and missed by her childhood sweetheart, Joseph.

How Did We End Up Here?!

It's four in the morning, and mom has been resting quietly for just over an hour. Boy, have things changed in the last little while.

In May, Mom was put on a chemotherapy drug called Tarceva. Despite harsh side effects, the cancer was shrinking. But, it wasn't enough, and the fight just got to be too much for Mom.

Last week she took to her bed. We got a hospital bed set up in Cherrie's dining room. Mom's happy there, she can be comfortable and be a part of everything as well.

The last few days, though, we've seen a marked decline in Mom's health. Her kidneys are failing (we've got her on 1 litre of saline fluids everyday, and a catheter because she's so immobile). She slips in and out of consciousness - I'm sure that she's scouting out her other options - and sometimes calls for her mom, who died years ago.

Amazingly enough, her lungs don't sound bad at all. With the help of oxygen, she doesn't cough at all.

She doesn't seem to be in pain or uncomfortable, just a bit scared about her next step.

So, we're all gathering around. I guess this is what a bedside vigil is all about. Laughing one minute, crying the next. Today, Mom managed to say that she loved us all. That's what I'll hold on to, and what I'll share with you.

Life is too short for anything less.

After a Long Delay, We've Got A Strong Team In Place

First of all, a little bit of an update. Mom has gotten a bit weaker. I think the radiation (palliative on her tailbone) knocked her down a bit, but we will hopefully see her outside more with the warmer weather.

We got her a walker for getting around the house. It has helped a lot. Cherrie has fashioned a little basket to the front of it, and Mom is enjoying it after a little bit of resistance at first. Mom and I talked about getting her an outdoor walker, she's starting to think that's not a bad idea.

Today at the Cross Cancer Institute, she had bloodwork, xrays and a consultation with her new oncologist, Dr. Chu. She has gained about 1/2 a pound (97 lbs) - this is very good, I kinda expected her to have lost more - since her last appointment on April 15th. He said that she is more mobile than he would have expected with the extent of cancer on her tailbone, and that is good. The spots on her bones have grown, and there are more spots in her lungs.

He started her on Tarceva, it is a 'gentle' chemotherapy. She has to take a pill daily for a month, and then go back to see Dr. Chu and see if there is any improvement. Tarceva is a fairly new drug, and for about half of the people taking it, it helps a lot. It not only extends life, but seriously reduces symptoms - pain and shortness of breath.

Side effects can include serious dryness (I've read about some stuff that might help), pimples (doctor gave her some cream) and diarrhea (should be managed easily with Imodium). These should hit at about the one week stage, then fade away as the body adjusts.Her pleural catheter has plugged again, so we will have to take her back to hospital to get it cleared. But all in all, she's positive and hopeful.

And, so am I.
Love,
Donna

Mom's in Edmonton

So Mom and Joe are in Edmonton now, staying at Cherrie's while they both recover. They have a cell phone, let me know if you'd like the number.

Joe had surgery to remove a bit of his colon. I don't think he was prepared for how much the surgery would take out of him. I think he's going a little stir crazy, but for the most part, he's okay.

We found a doctor here to treat Mom. She's young, Mom seems to like her; they spend a lot of time just talking, which is great for Mom.

Mom is still not eating much. I've been reading a bit about that. It seems the body with advanced cancer doesn't need or use nutrition the same way as a healthy body would. So eating lots won't guarantee more energy or weight for Mom. Doesn't mean we aren't trying though. Cherrie and Ageleky are busy fixing tasty morsels to tempt her!

Myself, I've had a bit of a 'mind shift'. I've been so stressed and frustrated, trying to 'fix' Mom. "Eat more, walk more - you can do it!" Maybe she can, but maybe she can't. Either way, it's not my job to cure Mom's cancer (believe me, I would if I could!!). That's the doctor's job.

So, my job has become easier - and harder. I will support Mom, I will comfort Mom, I will love Mom. That's the easier part. The harder is letting go of the other stuff.

We're Not As Far Ahead As We Thought...

Since September, Mom had been complaining of a sore back. After a CT Scan a few weeks ago, the doctor said, 'there's a bit of activity in the bone' and referred her back to her oncologist in Victoria. We thought that it could be removed with radiation...

A bit of a shocker for us this week in Victoria. Turns out that we weren't there for one treatment - at least where treatment means 'fix' or 'cure'.

There's quite a bit of info, so I'll just tell you what happened...When I went to pick up Mom on Monday morning, I was really dismayed at how small she is. She is down to about 98 pounds, and has lost another 2 or 3 inches in height (comes up to my nose, and I'm 5 feet tall). She's very weak and has trouble going any distance without something to lean on.

We went to see her oncologist, Dr. Lim. He kept asking her about her tailbone... "Is there any pain there?" and her head... "Have you had any falls just before the new year?" Remember, we thought we were there to have one spot on her rib radiated.

Turns out, she has 4 'trouble spots' on her bone scan. One on her rib, one on her back (spine), one on her tailbone, and one on her skull. (Not her brain, her brain scan came back clear).Dr. Lim wanted to treat the tailbone because it is the biggest spot on the CT scan. But if he treats it now, he can't treat it for another 6 months - and it's not hurting Mom now.

So I asked, "if it doesn't get treated, would the cancer have a chance to spread?" To our surprise, Dr. Lim said that it had already spread, "The seeds have been sown". The radiation treatment is not for curing, or fixing; it is for pain relief only.

Apparently, when the cancer metastasized to her bones, it really meant that it had gotten free. It's no longer just localized in her lungs.

So, Mom is not going to get better.

But, we don't know that she is going to get worse, either. Dr. Lim prescribed medication to help Mom get her appetite back, and maybe with Rhonda's help with some food preparation, we can get her energy back too.

Medically, we don't know what's going to happen next, or when.

She had two spots radiated - her back and her rib. The radiation is supposed to hurt for a day or two, then the pain will go away completely after about a week. Then, she won't have any pain, because the other spots aren't hurting.

Personally, it has to be about positive attitude, and quality of time.

Cherrie is talking to Mom about coming to Edmonton, that would be great for us to monitor her. Get her eating and exercising, so that she can get a bit more enjoyment out of the day.

I'm sorry, guys, that it's not better news. But it's not the worst news.